The Brasing Blog: goats goats goats

goats are pretty funny animals, when you think about it

Indisputable Goat Facts:

Goats have horns
Goats have funny little bears
Thor's chariot is pulled by goats
Goats eat tin cans
Wiccans sacrifice goats
This goat once tried to eat my shirt at a petting zoo

so goats are pretty chill, by all accounts. except maybe for that shirt thing, but I was like 8, and back then, a shirt was a shirt, unless it had a dinosaur on it. i had this shirt with an f'n allosaurus on it. it was red or something. it was just sweet. my one brother had a triceratops, and my other brother had a stegosaurus.

Spikes on your head, or spikes on your tail. life was so f'n awesome back then. sweet. i need to do a post on that business.

where were we? ah yes, goats. some people eat goats, some people drink goat milk. how did they start the whole milk thing? hindus have some story about a big snake and a sea or lake of milk. someone dropped treasure in the milk and he was all like "holy shit! i just dropped that sweet treasure into this f'n milk lake. i gotta get it back, 'cause that shit was awesome."

wouldn't the lake of milk go sour? it was in india, and it's like 100 f'n degrees in india, or something. i see pictures, and everybody looks hot.

so anyway, this dude calls up some of his boys, and they call vishnu and were like, 'hey vishnu, how do we get this treasure out of the milk."

and so vishnu was all like

we'll get an f'n snake, and churn this shit until the milk is gone or spills or something. it must have been f'n crazy. just look at this picture:

do you see that shit? f'n pig men pullin a giant snake. wow. crazy. and some dude is swimming in the milk with his golden retriever? not something i would do, i mean really, but oh wait, it's totally chill because the pig man his pullin' him out. would you trust a pig man? i wouldn't, f that shit. i eat bacon. what if he smelled it on my breath? he'd be all like, "what the f*ck? are you serious d00d?!?" but i'd punch him in the face or something. yeah sweet. the point is that there are some serious pig men in this story. crazy.

then there's these dude. they've all got crowns on, but the king is definitely the top dog. here's my reasoning:

dude has got four heads
dude has a crown on each head
dude has a crown on each of his four heads

that's what i look for in a leader. i mean, come-on. it's election season and i'm watching the TV and this add comes out about an old rich white guy who likes babies and hates abortion, and then another slightly younger white guy who loves babies, but says that abortion should be legal. then this dude with four heads comes on, and he has a gold crown on each of his heads and he's all like "i hate babies. everyone should have to get an abortion." i'd be like "holy shit, i'm voting for that guy." sweet.

check it out, he's totally using two heads to check in on the snake, while the other two heads keep his "hos" in check. i'm not down with calling women "hos", especially if that woman is my grandmother, that shit's just not legit. i use the term "hos" because it was like 10,000 years ago, and like, women totally got a raw deal (except for those warrior queens of the celts. they were awesome). really, women face a glass ceiling today, but back then, the ceiling was made of concrete, and they were in the basement. i totally interviewed one of these women and i was all like "how did you like that shit?" and she's all like "that shit sucked." word. anyway Crownie McFourHeads has to watch these girls because he leaves them in the basement in the dark, and he knows there's probably spare pipes down there, and they could totally hit him with a pipe. i would, cause that guy's a douche.

notice there is also an elephant swimming in the milk. crazy. i guess that's just how elephants get down. nuts.

i was raised in "the church". which church? i dunno, i wasn't really paying attention, i was drawing on the bible comics they gave us. goliath had a sweet moustasche, but david had some of that turn-of-the-century-industrial-monopolist facial hair shit, and a monocle. goliath was all like "rawr" and david hits him with a rock or something. and all the soldiers on both sides were like "goddamn!" and apparently the battle was done there. then i would draw devils, because i definitely thought that angels were wack, but i did some research, and the deal is that only these dumb "i watch church on television" angels are wack. the other angels destroy the crap out of shit. woah. killer.

church is boring, they should put a goat in it, fo' sho'. and that's the straight dope right there. alternatively, they could spice church up with some bears or maybe this: